As we approach a high stakes election cycle followed by our first holiday season amidst a pandemic, many of us will witness fear trying to take the lead in our conversations, relationships and interactions. 

The following framework of relationship dynamics has given me such critical language when I find myself stepping into fear-of the unknown, of loss, of change- and instead offered a clear reminder of how to move from fear into unifying wisdom and power.  

Key point: When we step into fear, we assume scarcity and we act from our wounded self. 

This framework, called the Karpman drama triangle was developed by Stephen Karpman, and outlines three roles we often unconsciously play or recruit others to play. These roles are universal, we have all played them and we each habitually identify with one role in particular, having learned it in our family of origin.

Outlined below, the three drama roles are different in outward expression but are prompted from the same deep place within us: fear.

Role 1: Victim

Victims are the classic “everyone and everything is out to get me.” I can’t do anything about it, tragedy will happen. I am helpless to the circumstance at hand. I get attention by attracting others to solve my problem for me and/or validate my feelings of helplessness.

Role 2: Rescuer

Rescuers reinforce victimhood by rushing in with advice, solving the problem and aiming to be the hero. I am uncomfortable watching someone flounder, not taking the action I think they should take. I would rather just do it myself even if it leaves me frustrated, overworked and exhausted.

Role 3: Persecutor
Persecutors are loud, blame others, seeking validation through accusation. “It’s not my fault- you’re the one who screwed up. I can’t believe YOU did that.” Life is a win at any cost game… I seek and validate my power by judging, manipulating and accusing others. I am here to win this conversation, this relationship, this interaction.

We’ve all played this game and used these roles to interact….What role do you easily step into? What role do you often recruit?

Do you wish to continue playing this game with yourself and others?

When we embody our wholeness, step out of our wound and believe in abundance… we access our deepest wisdom and halt the drama triangle. 

From this place we make a decision to no longer play the game. 

Not only will I stop recruiting others to act a certain way in order to validate my self worth; I also refuse invitations into the drama when I witness someone else’s fear coming to play. This is a clear boundary, a full body decision. I do this because I am choosing to honor my needs and live my highest expression. 

I step out of fear because I want better for myself and my loved ones. I believe in our ability to create, to fumble through, to change patterns and bring forth the wisdom I KNOW is within each of us. I believe this deep in my bones. I will be brave.

I witness the parts of me that remember the old wounding, the parts that feel disempowered. When I feel those parts rise to the surface, I take a deep breath, feel my body and step out of my wounding.

I remember:

Victims move into action, releasing their self-limiting beliefs and become creators. Not only do they create from within themselves, they recognize when someone is trying to take their power away and they clearly state in words and energy that they do not accept the invitation.

Rescuers know their worth. They release others’ energies and turn into coaches. They learn to stand in their own strength instead of looking for validation outside themselves.

Persecutors lean into trust. They hold boundaries, point towards pockets of potential growth and make difficult decisions with compassion and empathy. They are challengers.

We are all and all are one. As my wise friend Meg Ming says,

“Be the solution. Release the rest.”

May you know yourself, sending love to each and every part. May you choose brave. May you choose to release ANYTHING that does not serve the highest good for all.

Much love, Kim

PS- Check out this Forbes article along with this 5 minute visual explanation below for more on these roles and how to move beyond them.